Do You Love Me More? Part 1

On the afternoon of April 26^th, Christopher called and excitedly asked if I had prayed for him that day. I told him of course I had; I pray for him every day. Christopher said that he had attended a job fair that day. Five schools had offered him second interviews. There was talk of loan forgiveness, and one school was even supportive of his dream to start a ukulele club for the students.

His news was interesting because that morning, I had been compelled to pray something I had never prayed for him. I prayed specifically that God would help Christopher & Cassie find good jobs with loan forgiveness. I also prayed that though I really wanted them to stay close to home, God would lead them where they need to be and would send them where they would find their purpose in Him. Little did I know that being led to pray that prayer was God’s way of preparing my heart for a plan that I was not anticipating.

Later that afternoon, Christopher got a call from a school in Florida. They had been interviewing in another town and asked if he could meet them halfway that night for an interview. When he told them that his wife, Cassie, was looking for a teaching job, they told him to bring her along too. They traveled in dress clothes to a Steak and Shake that night wondering if it was a joke. They were both interviewed and offered jobs on the spot. Christopher told me they were 98% sure they didn’t want to move that far away, but I had a sick feeling deep down inside.

Less than two weeks later, Christopher sent me a text, “So my host teacher at Honey Creek is moving and said that she told the principal that I should get this teaching position. Please pray! This would be the ideal position for me! Middle school band with lots of resources!” Maybe I had been wrong, and God wasn’t really calling them so far away! Maybe it was just a test like Abraham and Isaac, and if I was willing to sacrifice my son, God would step in the last minute and let him stay.

However, when I called Christopher that evening, they were starting to lean towards the job in Florida. It was partially because of the out-of-the-blue way the job offer had popped up. But there were other reasons as well. A wall at Christopher’s future school had a mural with one of his favorite quotes, “Be the change that you wish you could see in the world.” Cassie’s future assistant principal called to say that he was praying for her and encouraged her & Christopher to pray as well. Another teacher told her that it was a real mission field down there. A devotional that Cassie subscribes to talked about not being afraid to go where God sends you. Their pastor preached on how God tends to send their church people who they then send out. Similar messages were popping up everywhere.

I couldn’t tell them that I didn’t want them to go; the decision needed to be theirs. I did tell Christopher that he can’t let fear get in his way and that he and Cassie would be happiest if they were where God wanted them and where they’d find their purpose in Him. It was so difficult for me to say those words, but I knew they were the truth.

On May 28, 2016, Christopher told me that he & Cassie were moving to Florida in less than a month. I’d like to say that my reaction was wonderful and encouraging, but out of my selfishness, I grieved. It took a good three days before I could pull myself together and at least a week before I could keep from crying when I thought about them moving. I grieved because I had looked forward to watching him direct at all of his concerts. I had plans to help them when they had babies, to babysit for them and to attend all of my grandchildren’s events. I wouldn’t be able to help out if they were sick or had an emergency. We wouldn’t be able to spend every birthday and holiday together. One of the silliest things that made me cry was knowing that someone else would be cutting Christopher’s hair.

I was so proud of Christopher and Cassie for listening to God’s voice and obeying what He asked them to do. Sincerely, what more could a mom want than for her son to grow into a man that is seeking God’s will? I loved raising Christopher, but he is not mine. He is God’s. He is a Godly man who found a Godly woman. Cassie is beautiful inside and out. I had no doubt that together they would find their purpose in God and make a difference of kingdom value in many lives. Still, I did grieve. I hated my selfish feelings and emotions, but they were out of my control.

This is the time in my life that Jesus’ words in Matthew 10:37-38 became very real to me.

“Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me.”

Christopher and Cassie were given the decision of whether they would move more than 1000 miles away from their parents and family and all that was familiar to a place where they didn’t know anyone and had never been. They were just starting out and would have no support system in Florida. The comfortable thing to do would have been for Christopher to pursue the dream job in the school he had been student teaching at an hour from home, but Christopher and Cassie love Jesus more. They knew Jesus was calling, and they took up their cross and followed Him.

I too had a decision to make. I could continue to grieve. I could throw a fit and try to keep them here for my selfish reasons. I could lay on a guilt trip and try to get my way, or I could surrender. Did I want to keep them here so that I could continue to enjoy life with them and my future grandchildren or did I want them to go where God called? I knew Jesus was calling me to surrender my plans with my son to Him. I took up my cross to follow Him.