Month: April 2018

My Heart Breaks

Posted on by Paula

Let me begin by saying that I have been hesitant to “put these words on paper” because I do not have a degree that gives me all of the answers for this battle. I do not profess to know all the answers, and I don’t want to offend anyone who is struggling. Yet when I try to write this week, this is the only thing that is truly on my heart. My mind can’t go anywhere else.

My heart is broken as I learned last week of another acquaintance that took their life. I know so many beautiful people who fight so hard each and every day to get through just one more day, one more night or one more moment. There are currently 19 individuals in my prayers because of depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. Their ages range from the early teens to the seventies. At least five of them have tried to take their lives, and four of the five have tried multiple times. All of them have had suicidal thoughts, and one of them confided in me that they had a plan.

My heart is broken because each of these people have such great potential. Each one has such an amazing personality. Each one possesses talents that promise a successful life. Each one is a beautiful, loveable creation of God, but they cannot see their beauty, potential or purpose through the darkness that has such a strong grip on their lives.

During my four years in high school, my classmates and I were shocked by the one person who tried to take their life. Today, in our local high schools, suicide attempts are common. My husband and I asked our high school group last week why they think there are so many people who struggle with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts today. Their top three answers were social media, bullying and drugs. Other people I care about have told me some of their depression comes not only from the issues the teens listed by also from hurt, abuse or low self-esteem. Some tell me that there is no explanation at all; they simply hurt to the point of feeling hopeless.

We must always be careful in our actions because we cannot always tell how fragile those around us are. We can never know how deeply someone is hurting or how hard they are fighting just to get through school, work, the grocery store or even a Sunday morning church service. They are all around us wherever we are and though some are easy to recognize, others are able to hide it well. We all have hurts, but for some of us, the darkness is just too overwhelming.

Those who don’t know me well may think that I have it all together and that I am always happy. That is not the truth. In fact, I too have struggled with depression in the past. My doctor even tried me on a low dose of medication for a while. Though I would never consider taking my life, there were times in my life that I wished I didn’t exist or that God would just remove me from this world.

I know most of this was caused by hurts in my life that overtook me. However, the worst bout I ever experienced, came out of the blue. I had just returned from an amazing mission trip where I saw God at work not just around me but doing incredible things in my own life as well. Then out of nowhere, I was swallowed up by darkness, sadness and hopelessness. I cried out to God because that is what I know.

The scariest part about that bout is that in my darkness, I felt like God was so far away. Though I couldn’t sense his presence at all, I continued to seek him. I read my Bible like crazy, I cried and I prayed. It was the darkest, scariest, coldest, loneliest place that I have ever been. The strange thing is that just as the depression fell over me for seemingly no reason at all, it also lifted just as mysteriously. The only thing that I can figure is that God let me experience that (thankfully short) season so that I could have a tiny bit of insight.

If you are a person who is currently suffering from depression, anxiety or suicidal thoughts, please don’t lose hope. Your life is precious, though you may not be able to see that through the darkness. I know the battle gets tiresome, but you must keep fighting. I urge you to talk to someone and seek help. You may be convinced that no one cares about you, but I promise there are people who do.

If you really can’t find anyone you know to confide in, call the 24-hour suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or click this link to chat with someone. I also urge you to talk to a doctor to see if you need medication and to let them know if you are on medication that doesn’t seem to be helping or seems to be making matters worse. Call or visit a church and ask to speak with someone on staff, even if you’ve never attended there. They don’t care whether or not you are a member, but they do care about you. Make an appointment with a counselor to see if there are some hurts deep down inside that you need to work through. Cry out to God and look for a glimpse of him to shine through the darkness. I truly believe that sometimes, it takes the help of a doctor and counselor to help, but please include God in your recovery as well. He is the One who offers the most satisfying peace of all. I know this because he is the Hope and Peace that gets me through the toughest of days.

Whether you are someone who is strong at the moment or someone who is struggling, please join me in prayer for all of the broken people around us. Pray that God would overwhelm them with his light so that there is no darkness. Pray for him to break them from any addictions and free them from any mental illness. Pray for them to reach out and get the help they need. Pray for them to find their identity, their confidence, their security and their purpose in Jesus. Pray for God to make their lives mighty testimonies that bring glory to him and will encourage others who are also fighting the darkness.

Can You See Hope?

Posted on by Paula

Can you see hope? Last Monday, 27 days after the first day of spring, I glanced out my window and saw really big snowflakes. The snow started coming down so hard that I could barely see flowers on the trees. And then I noticed something even crazier, an icicle in the middle of April! I couldn’t believe my eyes. Was there any hope?

Thankfully, the bright purple azaleas a few feet past the icicle snapped me back to my senses. Summer was surely on its way; winter would surely end.

I started this winter out strong, believing I could handle it. I purchased some cute winter outfits and armed myself with my pink coat, electric blanket, sidewalk salt and window de-icer.

I did pretty well for the first couple of months, but by the middle of February, I had to fight harder. I brought in the coconut scented lotion, indulged in tropical fruit, sat bright colored flowers in my window sill and melted wax cubes that smelled like an ocean breeze.

I fought with all I had, but the day came when I felt like I could take no more. I didn’t want to wear multiple layers of clothes. I didn’t want to go outside. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to do ANYTHING. Winter was lasting a really long time, and I started longing for the sunshine more than ever.

The day finally came when I could go outside without a heavy coat! However, the next day was bitter cold again. The back and forth cycle began. The sunshine burst through one day, but clouds drifted back the next. A dandelion popped up but was followed by frost. The daffodils bloomed, but then snow covered them up.

Sandals, boots, hope, despair…. That’s the battle that winter brings. I can get caught up dwelling on the cold and dreary weather or I can keep my thoughts on what lies ahead. I can fix my eyes on the icicles, or I can focus on the azaleas in the distance.

Isn’t that how life is? Things are going great, and then we hit difficult season. Life gets better, but then more trials develop. Life can become an emotional roller coaster as we transition through its seasons.

Sometimes we find ourselves in a burdensome season that just won’t go away. Problem after problem arises, and the load gets harder and harder to bear. We might even encounter a season that we know is only going to get worse until our life on earth is over.

In these seasons of distress and despair, we have a choice. We can either give in to hopelessness or we can search for hope and hold on to the end.

“How can you have hope when one thing keeps happening after the next?” or “How can you have hope if you know this pain will continue until you die?” you might ask. Let me tell you about the hope I possess. I have been through some extremely difficult seasons. In fact, my life right now is not trouble-free, and I am certain that I have seasons in my future that will be even more difficult than anything I have encountered to this day. Yet whatever lies ahead, I will continue to do what I have been doing thus far.

Instead of being swallowed up by despair and grief, I will put on the full armor of God so I can stand against the devil’s schemes. I will fight with the word of God and prayer. I will seek the Lord with all my heart, my soul, my mind and my strength. For whatever I must walk through, I know that God will walk through it with me.

Whatever pain I endure whether physical, mental or emotional, I will remember that I am more than flesh and bones. I am a soul who has entrusted my life to the One who created my inmost being. I will hold on to the hope that no matter what trouble lies ahead, something far greater than I could ever imagine is off in the distance.

Someday, when my heart stops beating and I take my last breath, my God will take me home with him, where there will be no more mourning or crying or pain. I will be made perfectly whole and will spend eternity with a loving, holy, perfect God in a perfect place.

So, my question to you is this, “Can you see hope? Can you see past the struggles that you are facing and the difficult days that lie ahead?” This hope I speak of is found in only one place. Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to Father except through him. Our sin has separated us from God, but Jesus paid the price for all of our sins. Do you know Jesus, and have you entrusted your life to him?  God wants each of us to accept this gift of forgiveness and return to him. Ask God to forgive you for going your way instead of his. He will wash you clean with the blood of Jesus, fill you with the Holy Spirit and transform you to be more like him. Lay down your life today and start living for him. He will fill you with peace and hope that lasts for an eternity.

He Always Knows What I Need

Posted on by Paula

My friend, Shelly, texted me, “Are you up to going to the concert?” She had invited me to attend as her guest several weeks before. I love Casting Crowns and had been to 2 or 3 of their concerts, but I wasn’t sure if I still wanted to go. I hadn’t been feeling well physically, my mind was on overload and my heart was burdened over other people’s suffering. I was overwhelmed because of being really busy both at work and home. I was really longing for a day to just stay at home and go nowhere.

To make matters worse, I felt bad for snapping at my family that afternoon. My husband simply asked me what I thought we’d have for dinner that night, but because I was so worn down from too much working and not enough resting (still no excuse), I snapped. I started listing off all of the things that I needed to take care of, how I couldn’t do it all and how exhausted I was…again. I felt terrible. He & my family didn’t deserve the angry rant that proceeded out of my mouth.

So, no. I really didn’t feel like going to worship with my friend. On top of wanting to stay at home and rest, I figured I’d see a lot of people I knew from our church and community. I didn’t want anyone to see me in the mood I was in, and I wasn’t sure if I could “put on the face” to hide how I felt inside. Yet deep down, I knew I needed to go. So, I went.

We entered the doors to the building and before we even reached the auditorium, I talked to or waved back to at least a dozen people I knew. Inside the auditorium, I passed another dozen on the way to my seat. They were in front of me, behind me and down my row. I tried not to think of them. I tried not to wonder if they could see through me. I sat still for the first time in a long time and tried to hold it together while longing for God to reach down and fix my attitude and brokenness.

The concert soon began. Through the words that were sung, I was reminded of God’s truth, love, faithfulness and awesomeness. Shifting my focus from myself to God, I was drawn into worship. It was me and God in a crowded room.

Although the Casting Crowns concert was a wonderful experience, the opening band, “I Am They,” was even more uplifting to me. I listened as they each shared their testimony. The band talked about their pasts with broken homes, divorces, drug addictions and pornography and how their lives were changed when they encountered Christ. They each had their struggle, yet God delivered them all, and there they stood on the stage right in front of me.

As a pastoral care associate and high school youth leader, I had walked in that night carrying a burden for lives that shared similar struggles. I had been listening to, loving on and praying for so many people caught in vicious cycles of struggle, addiction and depression. I had shared God’s love and pointed them to hope in him, but I was getting a bit discouraged as I watched some who were fading away yet again.

Listening to each story, I saw not only the band members’ faces, but the faces of the people I was burdened for. To hear them share how God had totally transformed their lives when they had been so lost, my hope inside that was dwindling grew stronger again. If God could heal that divorced woman, free that heroin addict and break the chains for that man caught in pornography, there was still hope for the ones I know who seemed to be drifting once more. “Keep listening, keep loving, keep praying, keep the hope,” a quiet voice inside encouraged.

The most meaningful part of the evening was when “I Am They” said that they had arrived early to pray over each of the chairs. When they told us that, I pretty much lost it. When someone takes the time to pray over the chairs, it is because their heart longs for the person who will sit there to be touched by God in the way they need his touch. I remembered the times that I had been the one to pray over the chairs, but this time, someone had actually prayed over the chairs for me! I hoped that no one could see as I wiped my tears.

I love to listen, to pray, to speak words of truth, to love and to minister by helping people find hope in Jesus. But I had walked into that building that night with a tired body, a worn out mind and a troubled soul. To hear that someone had prayed over my chair was like a hug from God. I needed that. To be ministered to by someone who didn’t even know me was a reminder to me that God is watching and listening, ready to reach down at just the right moment.

I love Casting Crowns, but I wouldn’t have been at that concert that night if my friend hadn’t offered me a ticket. I almost didn’t go, but I felt the need. I walked in worn down and walked out rejuvenated. God met me there in the crowd at a sold-out concert that I wasn’t sure I wanted to attend. It was a gift from my friend and a gift from my Daddy at just the right time. He always knows what I need.

A Vulnerable Position

Posted on by Paula

Today I find myself in a vulnerable position again as I announce my newest venture. As I mentioned in last Monday’s blog post, there are a few things that I really love to do. I love to create, to write, to doodle, to paint and to encourage. And though, I’m not the greatest at any of those things, I believe that God wired me to use those passions that burn deep inside my heart by letting them ooze out my fingertips and my mouth. Whatever I’m doing and however I’m spending my time, I’m always looking for ways that I can use those passions for the glory of God.

I am a creative thinker, and sometimes I visualize a design or picture when I am reading my Bible in the mornings. As I meditate on the words, I grab my markers or colored pencils and draw it out.

For at least two years now, I have been posting some of my “doodles” to social media. I don’t always have time to doodle things out during my quiet time before work, but spending time reflecting on God’s word and then doodling it out is a great way to clear my head and rest a while at His feet. So, I decided to treat myself to a little extra time with this activity on my “day off.” As a result, Friday morning, “Doodles with God” was born, and I started posting the creations nearly every week.

My reason to post my designs was to share God’s word with colorful doodles and encourage my Facebook friends.  A few of my friends said that I should make cards to sell. I loved the idea because I have always enjoyed making cards for family, but I didn’t know if my cards were good enough to sell. Then one of my sons suggested I should open an Etsy store and also see if any little shops around town would allow me to sell cards. Again, I was flattered and dreamed a little bit about making cards for more people, but I quickly tucked the dream away.

On January 20, out of the blue, my friend, Debby sent me a message asking if I would consider reproducing some of my doodles and framing them for her to sell in her boutique. I asked her if someone had put a bug in her ear. “No,” she replied, “only God if anyone. It hit me out of the blue as I was seeing one of your doodles run through the news feed again. And of course, I have learned to act when those thoughts run across my mind.”

Before I could even back out, Debby was requesting frames on Facebook and telling me to get ten ready for the grand opening of her 2nd boutique. I excitedly texted my son who once again reminded me that I needed to get an Etsy shop going.

On February 16, I delivered eight framed doodles to Debby’s Nzuri Boutique Ltd. in Greenville, and I made my first sale. I didn’t cash the check because I wasn’t sure if anyone would purchase any of the prints from my friend. When I offered to return the check if the if the pieces didn’t sell, she said she was fine and that she liked the word being seen in her store. That made me happy because finding ways to spread God’s word is one of my greatest desires.

Meanwhile, my son and husband continued to encourage me to open an Etsy shop. Finally, early in the morning on April 7, “Every Season Creations” went live with six of my favorite designs for sale. Today, I nervously make the public announcement and try to spread the word so that people will visit my shop.

So, here I go. I present each doodle as a humble offering created with love for Jesus and a desire to point others to Him. I hope to add more designs to my shop in the near future and even have some other great items I hope to find time to produce soon.

As I mentioned earlier, this is a scary and vulnerable moment for me as I wonder what people will think of my work. However, Debby’s words help me remember what I am trying to do. Just as she likes the word being seen in her shop, I want to get God’s word out there to be seen by as many people as possible. I would love for my designs to be used not only to encourage people to know that God is near and that he is faithful, trustworthy and loving, but also to inspire others to meditate on his word and find ways to spread it through the passions that he puts on their own hearts.

Seemingly Small Offerings

Posted on by Paula

Well, today is that day again. For over a year now, I have published a blog post every Monday. However, as I type away this evening, I have in front of me 6 half-written drafts and less than 5 hours of Monday left to accomplish the task.

I haven’t felt well for a few days now, and tonight I’m drained, weak and really tired. I can barely stay awake, and I really just want to curl up under my pink electric blanket and fall asleep in my striped flannel pajamas and floppy-ear bunny socks.

On top of the physical struggles, a battle is raging in my mind over the fact that I’ve been blogging for over a year and my audience seems to be dwindling lately rather than growing. That’s not exactly a confidence booster. In fact, it would be quite easy to throw in the towel and convince myself that no one would even notice if I never blogged again.

Please don’t misunderstand my intent. I’m not seeking anyone’s sympathetic words or praises in sharing these thoughts with you. Rather I hope to encourage you by sharing with you why I continue to peck away at my keyboard tonight when quite honestly, I have no promise this rambling will produce any fruit at all.

You see, there are a few things that I really love to do. I love to create, to write, to doodle, to paint and to encourage.  I believe that God wired me to use those passions that burn in my heart and ooze out my fingertips and my mouth. However, I am not the greatest at any of those things. That’s just the truth of the matter.

But…. here’s a really cool thing that I have realized. God doesn’t raise everyone up to be a Billy Graham, Mark Hall, Beth Moore or Lysa Terkheurst… Not everyone who writes a blog is going to draw a huge following. Not everyone who writes a book will end up on the best-seller list. Most people who doodle and paint will never have their work on display in a gallery or even sell a single print. And though there are many, many wonderful musicians, most of them will never be heard on the radio.

There are many amazingly gifted people who will never be famous for their wonderful talents and never be remembered after their life on earth is finished, but that doesn’t mean that their efforts are of no value. Whoever we are and whatever we do, we must take those gifts and passions that God created us with and put them to use for his glory. We simply present our sometimes seemingly small offerings to God, and we leave the rest up to him.

We may not reach millions, or thousands or even hundreds of people. But, if out of the sincerity of our hearts and our love for our incredible Lord and Savior, we do what we believe God put on our hearts to do, God just might work through us to show someone his love, his goodness, his peace or his hope. He might use the words we write, the encouragement we speak, the masterpiece we paint, the song we sing or the grace we extend to let someone know he is near and that he loves them.

We may not always know when God uses our offering to him to touch a life. There will most likely be times when we put forth our best to bring glory to God, but we do not see any fruit at all. However, we must remember that we do what we do, not for us, but for him. We are simply broken jars of clay yearning for his light to shine through so that others can see the Glorious Living God and be drawn not to us, but to him.