My Heart Breaks

Let me begin by saying that I have been hesitant to “put these words on paper” because I do not have a degree that gives me all of the answers for this battle. I do not profess to know all the answers, and I don’t want to offend anyone who is struggling. Yet when I try to write this week, this is the only thing that is truly on my heart. My mind can’t go anywhere else.

My heart is broken as I learned last week of another acquaintance that took their life. I know so many beautiful people who fight so hard each and every day to get through just one more day, one more night or one more moment. There are currently 19 individuals in my prayers because of depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. Their ages range from the early teens to the seventies. At least five of them have tried to take their lives, and four of the five have tried multiple times. All of them have had suicidal thoughts, and one of them confided in me that they had a plan.

My heart is broken because each of these people have such great potential. Each one has such an amazing personality. Each one possesses talents that promise a successful life. Each one is a beautiful, loveable creation of God, but they cannot see their beauty, potential or purpose through the darkness that has such a strong grip on their lives.

During my four years in high school, my classmates and I were shocked by the one person who tried to take their life. Today, in our local high schools, suicide attempts are common. My husband and I asked our high school group last week why they think there are so many people who struggle with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts today. Their top three answers were social media, bullying and drugs. Other people I care about have told me some of their depression comes not only from the issues the teens listed by also from hurt, abuse or low self-esteem. Some tell me that there is no explanation at all; they simply hurt to the point of feeling hopeless.

We must always be careful in our actions because we cannot always tell how fragile those around us are. We can never know how deeply someone is hurting or how hard they are fighting just to get through school, work, the grocery store or even a Sunday morning church service. They are all around us wherever we are and though some are easy to recognize, others are able to hide it well. We all have hurts, but for some of us, the darkness is just too overwhelming.

Those who don’t know me well may think that I have it all together and that I am always happy. That is not the truth. In fact, I too have struggled with depression in the past. My doctor even tried me on a low dose of medication for a while. Though I would never consider taking my life, there were times in my life that I wished I didn’t exist or that God would just remove me from this world.

I know most of this was caused by hurts in my life that overtook me. However, the worst bout I ever experienced, came out of the blue. I had just returned from an amazing mission trip where I saw God at work not just around me but doing incredible things in my own life as well. Then out of nowhere, I was swallowed up by darkness, sadness and hopelessness. I cried out to God because that is what I know.

The scariest part about that bout is that in my darkness, I felt like God was so far away. Though I couldn’t sense his presence at all, I continued to seek him. I read my Bible like crazy, I cried and I prayed. It was the darkest, scariest, coldest, loneliest place that I have ever been. The strange thing is that just as the depression fell over me for seemingly no reason at all, it also lifted just as mysteriously. The only thing that I can figure is that God let me experience that (thankfully short) season so that I could have a tiny bit of insight.

If you are a person who is currently suffering from depression, anxiety or suicidal thoughts, please don’t lose hope. Your life is precious, though you may not be able to see that through the darkness. I know the battle gets tiresome, but you must keep fighting. I urge you to talk to someone and seek help. You may be convinced that no one cares about you, but I promise there are people who do.

If you really can’t find anyone you know to confide in, call the 24-hour suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or click this link to chat with someone. I also urge you to talk to a doctor to see if you need medication and to let them know if you are on medication that doesn’t seem to be helping or seems to be making matters worse. Call or visit a church and ask to speak with someone on staff, even if you’ve never attended there. They don’t care whether or not you are a member, but they do care about you. Make an appointment with a counselor to see if there are some hurts deep down inside that you need to work through. Cry out to God and look for a glimpse of him to shine through the darkness. I truly believe that sometimes, it takes the help of a doctor and counselor to help, but please include God in your recovery as well. He is the One who offers the most satisfying peace of all. I know this because he is the Hope and Peace that gets me through the toughest of days.

Whether you are someone who is strong at the moment or someone who is struggling, please join me in prayer for all of the broken people around us. Pray that God would overwhelm them with his light so that there is no darkness. Pray for him to break them from any addictions and free them from any mental illness. Pray for them to reach out and get the help they need. Pray for them to find their identity, their confidence, their security and their purpose in Jesus. Pray for God to make their lives mighty testimonies that bring glory to him and will encourage others who are also fighting the darkness.